“You’re tense”, she said as she started methodically squeezing up my arm. She was a professional masseuse, and also completely innocent. It felt nice, but I also didn’t feel tense. I perhaps tensed when she squeezed me - being touched by a girl is not a familiar sensation to me (that is to say, through genuine lack of trying - I much prefer the touch of men but that’s neither here nor there). Her hands were cool with small, strong fingers. She knew what she was doing. We sat in the theater while others bumbled through their lines while I pondered my tension. But I’m not tense, I thought. My first suspicion was deceit on her part - perhaps it was part of her job to project an observation onto her clients, allowing them to feel a sense of accomplishment when she says “There we go, much better” after having pounded a perhaps very real knot from their back. Or maybe it was a placebo, a red herring to get one to focus and observe their own tensions that might not be detectable by her at all, but brought to light once commented on to allow a sort of meditation to occur while on the masseuse table.
And then I thought of passage from The Pale King (is it gauche to quote DFW yet because if so I am probably going to be gauche for a very long time):
The next suitable person you’re in light conversation with, you stop suddenly in the middle of the conversation and look at the person closely and say, “What’s wrong?” You say it in a concerned way. He’ll say, “What do you mean?” You say, “Something’s wrong. I can tell. What is it?” And he’ll look stunned and say, “How did you know?” He doesn’t realise something’s always wrong, with everybody. Often more than one thing. He doesn’t know everybody’s always going around all the time with something wrong and believe they’re exerting great willpower and control to keep other people, for whom they think nothing’s ever wrong, from seeing it. This is the way of people. Suddenly ask what’s wrong, and whether they open up and spill their guts or deny it and pretend you’re off, they’ll think you’re perceptive and understanding. They’ll either be grateful, or they’ll be frightened and avoid you from then on. Both reactions have their uses, as we’ll get to. You can play it either way. This works over 90 per cent of the time.
And then I felt bad for not giving this sweet girl the benefit of the doubt. She really is sweet. And really is completely innocent. Perhaps I was tense. Less worrisome was the prospect that everyone is always tense forever and ever anymore - instead what worried me was, perhaps, I had simply forgotten what not tense feels like.
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