win and tonic

I Survived An Abusive Animal Crossing Relationship

Picture him: a grumpy indigo walf moving into town, plopping down in the house next next to mine. Picture the tulip garden at his front yard, him tending to it, me clutching an agonized letter with a Paisley Ottoman attached as a housewarming gift. I wanted him to like me. I dreaded him ever leaving my town. My letter was clogged with compliments for his sense of decor, his blue snout, his charm. I was smitten at first sight.

He wrote back a terse reply:

“Thanks, I guess. The weather sucks in this town. What’s up with that??”

His letter made no reference to my largesse or my cute triangular nose. My character sat home for three days, missed the annual July fireworks and fishing competition, of which I was reigning champion. I did not blink or open my mailbox for a week.

In passing, I hazarded conversation again with Lobo. A raincloud appeared over his head and he said that my striped henley was only so-so and that the Paisley Ottoman didn’t fit the glam rock vibe he was going for so he sold it to Tom Nook for 15 bells, which he used to buy fishing bait, which he caught a minnow with, which he then released into a polluted pond.

Then, in the throes of tearfully rearranging the furniture for the millionth time, a letter arrived. It was from Lobo. Attached was a maroon shirt that said ‘HORSE NOSTRILS’ which I wore to extinction for months to come. He also said that it was “cute” and “pretty sweet” that I would compliment him so much. That was enough for me to stay smitten with him. He was just Dismissive Avoidant I thought, a stoic ’50s male, he didn’t show facile empathy, but deep down I believed he was tender and cared much about me. When he would later call me a useless pink-skinned sissy, when he flirted with our waiter at our first anniversary dinner, when he shot down my jokes in front of all my friends, I would tell myself: he loves me, he loves me.

Ladies and gentlemen, I’m the survivor of an abusive Animal Crossing relationship.

[Bows. Exit stage to the left. Submits story to The Moth Mainstage.]

[Also, I named my character Karl Marx so he could suffer the gauntlet of petty consumerist home-improvement hell that is Animal Crossing. I also named my town Das Kapital. Taaa~ ヽ（´ー｀）┌